Thoughts of a sleep deprived mother

  After yet another sleepless night, I lied in bed with my eyes wide open thinking of different sleep training options I can use with my daughter. 

  The gradual no-tears approach I am following is not achieving much progress and it's difficult to remain consistent when you have been sleep-deprived for over a year.

  A cry it out approach won't work either.  She is really strong-willed and LOUD. Besides, I don't have the heart for it.

  To give in and just breastfeed or rock her whenever she wakes up? But she's older now and if I give in now, I won't be able to teach her to sleep on her own forever!

  As I lie in my bed, weighing down the pros and cons of each option, my daughter wakes up. She lifts her head, turns to the right and then to the left. She spots me and crawls right into my arms. She tosses and turns for a while and then puts her head on my shoulder. As her breath starts to deepen, and her head relaxes on my shoulder, I feel her warm body against mine, her hair tickling my nose, and I remember all the funny moments we shared during the day. 

   I hold her little hand and say to myself, sleep training can wait for another day.

Convenience Friends: A Fact of Life?

Changing jobs, moving to a new country, and even starting a new hobby take you to new circles of people. At the same time, it gets you thinking about your old circles, and sort of reassess your relationship with the people whom you might have taken for granted for a long time or vice versa. While it is common for the “in touch” level to differ based on physical and time proximity, keeping a weak or strong tie should be irrelevant of these tangible aspects, in my opinion.

This triggered me to think of the idea of “convenience friends”; people who hangout with you – or you hang out with - because you happen to be in the right place at the right time for them and once the circumstances change you are no longer friends or to be more accurate you haven’t been in the first place!

While there’s nothing really wrong with that, it doesn’t work for everyone, and while you don’t have to sign a friendship pact with those you cross paths with there need to be some shared understanding or matched expectations. Simply because some people make friends for life and whenever they have to part and end up not meeting or even talking for months, there remains a deep level of “ود” that connects hearts oceans apart!

I thought I’m the first one to coin the term “convenience friends” but when I Googled I found loads of materials on the topic, though they mostly take one angle, one that shows one party as guilty and the other as a victim. But let’s start with the basics: 

According to the Urban dictionary, a convenience friend is “A person who is only around when it is easy and convenient for them. They are the people who, if not placed around us, (ex. dorm rooms), all the time, they wouldn't really be friends. They are usually used to do things for you, if you need a ride to and from school, etc. They are basically friends who need you around when they need a favor, or when they are just so bored out of their minds that they would rather hang out with you than sit around all day, but they'd never put you first.”

On the other hand, some talk about how one person who is taking others as convenience friends may not be doing it intentionally but just as a result of being too busy (and on that matter being too self-centered!). Others bring the interesting perspective of how someone taking you as a convenience friend may indeed be a convenience friend to another in some sort of normal loop. While most of the first Google page search results talks mainly about materialistic things, like more tangible favours, the time and emotions invested in such relationships are more valuable. Eventually, both sides will have their own definitions and stories, and while one person might feel like a convenience friend the other might see him/her as “too attached”.

The real risk of this phenomenon is that some people spend their whole lives mainly surrounded by convenience friends, and thus when they grow old and naturally are less able to do “favours” to others, they end up being very lonely.

So I guess this is an invitation for those who tend to honour human relationships significantly more than others, to manage their expectations, and do “reality checks” from time to time to assess the kind of friendship they are involved in and act accordingly. It is not healthy to hold the place of a victim and investing too much time and emotions in such relationships may lead you to miss out on more genuine potential friendships out there.

This is also an invitation to those on the other end of the spectrum to appreciate and honour human relationships more and to try being more self-aware of where they stand from those around them and where they place them in return.

I’ll end up with a part from a poem a friend of mine has recently shared:

ويسألونك عن الحب
قل هو تمام المعرفة 
وكمال الوصال
حتى وان غاب عن الانظار

The Holiday

It all started with a desire to immerse in the British culture and get to know the Brits as much as I can, because for me, a country isn't a country without its people. I found my aim in Host UK, an organization that plan for international students currently studying in the UK to go and spend a weekend with a British family. As a guest, you only pay for your travel expenses, and the organization does its best to match you with a couple or family that have interests similar to yours. I choose a fairly high budget as I was hoping to go to Scotland but I got a more peaceful choice...Cornwall. It's a county on the south west coast which seemed a very nice place to relax and enjoy the English country side. As I wasn't going home over the Christmas vacation, while my two closest friends were, I imagined how halls will be empty and how lonely I may feel and so decided to ask to be hosted over Christmas.

Everything was set and I went off in my journey from Southampton to Lostwithiel, Cornwall at 6 am on the 23rd of December 2014. The train journey is worth writing about for the fascinating scenery and for some tips on exchanging trains but I'll leave that to the UK transportation post. I stepped down from the train to find my host, Pat (72), right there waiting for me and I'm sure I wasn't too difficult to be recognized in that small lost town in the south of England. We got into the small Fiat car, with me still confused and going to sit on the wrong side, and went off driving in very narrow two-way roads where you depend on your experience of the road, I guess, to slow down or stop for cars coming the opposite direction (it wasn't as scary as if Cameron Diaz was driving but these curved turns were definitely a thrill…people who watched “The Holiday” will relate).

Fortunately, it was a short drive and Dick (80) was home to give me a very warm welcoming in their lovely house. I was offered tea or coffee (I brought my barista instant coffee just in case they were too traditional and didn't drink it but they had a cafetière and a French coffee blend...I know I sometimes fall in the stereotyping trap!) and when I returned to my room the tea tray was waiting beside the bed. I was overwhelmed with the 5-stars hospitality!

Both Pat and Deck have been to Cairo on a vacation in the late 80s, and fortunately had a very good time there, also much earlier than that in 1953 Dick was working for the English military and serving in Fayed, Ismailia (I talked about the lovely buildings the British left there and thought of keeping out of the other things they left as well :) Deck politely asked if it's alright to put on the news every morning, as some disturbing news from Egypt may be covered. I shamefully admitted that I've not been following the news closely as it drains my energy and then I cannot really work or concentrate on my studies. You see, Dick watches Aljazera for half an hour every day in addition to the BBC because he doesn't find the latter very objective (I know!!).

After a lovely lunch of homemade tomato soup from home-grown tomatoes made by Dick, as it was his turn to cook that day, I sat off with Pat in a tour to see the village. Back again to the windy tiny roads and after a short ride we parked at the top of a hill and walked ahead to see the church which will be attending on Christmas Eve. It was a lovely small ancient church supported by some construction rods as renovation work was in progress. The outside of the church was surrounded by a cemetery with some grave marks as ancient as the church itself. Pat commented on how it'd be lovely to be buried there while I was silently wishing her a long healthy life.

The hill overlooked a river that seemed too shallow for me though I can see few boats on its banks, then Pat explained that it was a tidal river that sort of dries in the winter but boats can sail in during summer though it requires excellent sailors to avoid the shallow parts. This was technically in another village, Larren, which mainly had small stone cottages that were simply amazing. I had my camera and was tempted to stop and take some photos but then didn't like the idea of looking like a tourist and decided to only keep my mental images.

Many of us have this idea of how westerns mind their own business and don’t pay attention to others, which was another stereotype corrected, as Pat expressed how she’d like to live on the river banks but at the same time wouldn't like to live in a village where everyone can know what she had for breakfast.

We had slow-cooked pheasants for dinner, for which Dick generously replaced wine with stock, after knowing that as a Muslim I cannot have wine even cooked in food.

Tomorrow, is the big day, the Christmas Eve which certainly need a new post.

Back to the super mom mode!

With too much work, projects and activities going on in my life, I feel that I’m back to the Super Mom mode. I first encountered that when I had to go back to work right after having my twin boys. As a new mother with no domestic help and a full time job starting at 6:00 am, life wasn’t easy.

Strange enough, these were the days in which I was most highly productive.

Anyhow, recently over the past few days, I have felt like I’m back to that super multi-tasking situation. I wake up early, prepare my now 9 years old boys, lunch boxes and breakfast. Wake them up and carry out the usual morning routine. I drop them to school.

Go back home…eat breakfast while reading yesterday’s newspapers (It sounds illogical, I know, but it’s part of my work)…work on my computer…prepare lunch (I’m sometimes kind enough to prepare healthy homemade cake for my husband to take to office!)…continue working (filming, editing, writing, etc)…grab a bite…spend some time with the boys talking about their day at school…leave them to do homework…go to a company where I have accepted an additional freelance work lately…stay there till 10 pm…return home…grab a bite…waste sometime sitting in the living room doing nothing…go to bed…and it goes on…..

Do I do all of my tasks perfectly? Not all the time. Do I feel satisfied? Yes, and you know why? I don’t worry any more. In fact, I don’t have time to worry. Moreover, when I’m busy, I can’t help but focus on accomplishing the most important tasks well and the leave the rest to nature and God to take care of.

London Bridge hasn't fallen down!

The morning I arrived in London was freezing especially as I waited in the cold for almost an hour before the bus came to take me to Southampton Central Station (I wasn't too early but the bus didn't come according to the printed time table...I guess I should have confirmed with the driver the day before!). It was my first time in the big city, to attend the orientation event of my Chevening scholarship. As usual, I couldn't firmly decide to whether drink tea or coffee, so I had neither and rushed to the conference hall. Once I approached the start of a bridge (which I thought must be London bridge and was wondering why it hasn't fallen down as my childhood song says) and saw the famous buildings and Big Ben I really felt, may for the first time, that I'm in England. I took out my camera, and as I'm a bit old-fashioned and not fond of selfies, I found a nice spot on the bridge, set my camera to the auto mode and took myself a nice picture. Later the view of Westminster Abbey and other buildings from Queen Elizabeth II Conference Hall was also stunning especially with the spills of sunshine we were lucky to have by midday.

Westminster Bridge leading to the House of Parliament & Big Ben 

The day was full of speeches, some boring and some interesting, mainly focusing on inspiring stories about leadership, how to make the best of your year in the UK, and what to do to stay on track. Most importantly we were promised an afternoon tea at 10 Downing st. if we win the photo competition aimed at promoting the Chevening. It's very tempting to go there and see from where Hugh Grant was ruling the country (in case you've seen the movie Love Actually)...only if I could take nice selfies.

Competition for current Chevening Scholars to show photos from their time in the UK

By the time when the 620 scholars from around 120 countries were split into groups for a feedback session, based on their regions, I was surprised to find that there are scholars from Israel. When I think of it now I'm not sure if I thought that because I don't perceive it as a developing country (they are very advanced when it comes to scientific research especially in biomedical engineering, my original field of study) or I just tend to forget about its existence.

This would have been my first time to actually meet Israels and I started thinking of how I'd react, recalling the different stands made by my favourite intellectuals who find themselves quite often in such situations in conferences and other occasions around the world. Luckily the British, who originally put us in this situation, grouped the Israels with scholars from Jordan (I'm not sure how smart that move was) and other African countries.

Throughout the day we were encouraged to immerse in the British culture and especially try the food, however the Egyptian scholars with other scholars from Lebanon, Libya and Algeria ended up having dinner in a Lebanese restaurant in Edgware road which is the furthermost you can get from British culture but this is another story.

I was expecting London to blow my mind but this just didn't happen. I know some cities need time to bond with you (though I loved Berlin from the first sight and failed to love Paris after being there for 2 times) but this first visit was just disappointing. I've been in Southampton for more than a month and never felt homesick but ironically by the end of my first day in London I was homesick...to Southampton!

However this doesn't mean that I'm giving up on London, so till next time...

Dinner, dessert, and a bit of English history

Southampton seems quite an international city! Not that you run into people of different nationalities all the time (for some reason mainly Chinese) but a lot of programs and events are available to make internationals feel welcomed and less home sick.

In the welcome package from my halls of residence, I was given a flyer for an organization called Friends International that had announcements of several events during the term to get to know the English culture, history and most importantly people.

There was a culture course starting this Friday which seemed quite serious and therefore interesting to me J It was to take place on the last weekend before lectures start and thus seemed an opportunity not to be missed.

As the event was taking place at someone’s house, I thought that I shouldn't go there empty handed as it’s the habit in Egypt. So I stopped in the way and picked a pack of apple pies which looked delicious (and cheap...GBP 1 for 6 small pies!).

I reached the place easily, rang the door and was warmly greeted by our host and his lovely granddaughter. The first puzzle though was to get off my shoes or not! I’m personally used to taking off my shoes but I know people in the “West” usually don’t, however when I stepped into the house some were wearing their shoes and others not so I just asked our host who said “I’m putting my shoes on, usually our Chinese guests take them off, so whatever you like” and I chose the Chinese way J

The living room was very welcoming and very well-arranged to accommodate a moderate number of people. When Richard, our retired history teacher host, knew I’m Egyptian he showed my 3 glass pyramids which he brought when he visited Egypt with Margaret his wife and thankfully they had very good memories there!

Shortly after our very diverse group, with a lot of people from China and others from Italy, Netherlands, Vietnam, the USA, and Indonesia, chatted for a while I was surprised that dinner will be served. I was expecting a proper cup of English tea and may be some biscuits J

Before serving the dinner Margaret, who is probably 70 years old, came to me and leaned on her knees to ask if I’d like the vegetarian meal (she's probably made that guess as I’m wearing a hijab) and advised that I stand at the beginning of the queue because others who might not be vegetarian may find it nice and I end up with no dinner. I didn’t find it strange that they prepared a vegetarian meal as it’s an “international” event but I found it very thoughtful anyways.

Before eating, Richard very politely said that they’re a Christian family and so they are used to saying prayers before meals to thank God and ask for his blessings and called everyone to do what suits them and made clear that they needn't share at all in this ritual.

Finally and after a nice variety of traditional English desserts or puddings as they call them, Richard started telling us about how England became a nation focusing on King Alfred, the Great. It was a very amusing talk, with Richard’s sense of humor and funny comments every now and then about the English people. The talk included how Christianity was brought to England and it was obvious from Richard’s tone and words how proud he’s of his religion.

The night concluded with announcements about upcoming events by Friends International, including Christianity lessons delivered every Wednesday evening in Highfield church during which a meal will be served.

For the whole evening I couldn't resist the thought that they’re doing all this to invite people to Christianity and as someone who comes from a society deeply believing in conspiracy theory I thought of how free meals and tours are all part of it….well that was a joke! 

They've shown respect to everyone present regardless of who they are, where they come from and what faith they have. Even if this is meant to invite people into Christianity, because they believe it’s the right way to God, I find that they’re entitled to and whoever is listening should always think for herself and decide what makes sense for her and what doesn't!

In the end they say it out loud on their website “We are a Christian charity, and offer our services to international students of any faith or none” and this touched on ground.

Next time I’ll tell you more about Winchester and its ancient cathedral (BTW every city whose name ends with “chester” means it was a Roman military base in the past ;).

Know more about Friends International here http://www.fisuk.org/soton/

تساؤلات مريبة

الدعوة للتعقل والتأني هذه الأيام اصبح في خطورة السير على الحبل لغير المحترفين. فمع حالة السُعار الإعلامي التي اصابت قنوات التلفزيون الرسمية والخاصة في مصر اصبح الحديث عن أي شيء يمت للإخوان بصلة محفوفا بمخاطر جمة.

يكفي أن تتساءل كيف استطاع مذيع نشرة الأخبار في القناة الأولى للتلفزيون المصري الجزم  وبعد بضعة ساعات من انفجار عبوة ناسفة بمنطقة مدينة نصر وقبل البدء في أي تحقيقات جنائية أو تحريات حتى، كيف استطاع المذيع الفذ التأكيد على الهواء مباشرة بأن "تنظيم الإخوان الإرهابي" هو منفذ الحادث. ولا تستطيع أن تتساءل كيف استطاعت قوات الشرطة التوصل خلال يوم واحد إلى أن منفذ تفجير الدقهلية ينتمي ل "تنظيم الإخوان الإرهابي" وهي التي لم تكشف لنا حتى الآن من وراء مذبحة استاد بورسعيد ومن اصاب عيون المتظاهرين في محمد محمود ومن وراء شتى الحوادث والجرائم التي ارتكبت منذ 25 يناير 2011 وحتى هذه الحظة والتي شكلت لكل منها لجنة تحقيق لا نعرف ما عملها حتى الآن. ولا بإمكانك أن تتساءل ما نوع التشريع الإعلامي الذي يسمح للصحف والقنوات التفلزيونية بنشر صور "المتهم" الذي اصبح مدانا قبل أن تثبت إدانته في تفجير المنصورة.

إيراد مثل هذه التساؤلات كان من الممكن أن يعرضك للهجوم الإعلامي من بعض الإعلاميين المتشنجين من أنصار "معي أو ضدي" أو في أسوأ الحالات لمشادات كلامية مع بعض رواد مترو الأنفاق الذين يملكون رأيا مخالفا لك. لكن اليوم، وبعد أن قام الدكتور حسام عيسى بإلقاء بيان الحكومة عن تفجير المنصورة، والذي لم يخرج علينا بأي إجراء ناجع لمواجهة الإرهاب (الذي اصبحت مصر تتعرض له فعلا وليس ذلك الذي كانت تتخيله وسائل الإعلام وقريحة بعض المواطنين الشرفاء قبل أن يحدث) سوى بمزيد من الإجراءات القمعية والعقوبات المغلَظة في جرائم يكفي الشك فيها في النوايا لإدانة المتهمين.

اليوم وبعد هذا البيان، يكفي أن تُعبر عن تساؤلات مثل هذه ليتم الزج بك في السجن بتهمة الترويج للجماعة بالقول أو الكتابة أو أي طريقة أخرى. ولا أعرف إن كان ذلك يتضمن لغة الإشارة والغمز وتحريك الحواجب أيضا أم ماذا؟ بل قد يكلفك مثل هذا التساؤل حياتك إذا بلغ بك التهور حد التعبير عنه في مكان عام وتصادف عبور مجموعة من "المواطنين الشرفاء" للمكان.

والتساؤلات التي أنصحك بالاحتفاظ بها لنفسك تجنبا لهذه المخاطر وغيرها لا تقتصر على ما سبق. فالآن لم يعد بإمكانك أن تتساءل أيضا:

هل خلت مصر من الجماعات الإرهابية ولم يعد فيها إلا "تنظيم الإخوان الإرهابي" الذي يستدعي الملاحقة؟

كيف استطاعت الشرطة القبض على مئات العناصر المتخفية من "تنظيم الإخوان الإرهابي" وهي تحاول الهرب في الصحاري والقفار لكنها لم تنجح في ملاحقة المجهول الذي دأب على تفجير خط أنابيب الغاز بين مصر وإسرائيل كل شهر تقريبا؟

لماذا تنجح قوات حرس الحدود في القبض على عناصر "تنظيم الإخوان الإرهابي" لكنها تفشل في ضبط الأسلحة والذخائر ومنصات إطلاق الصواريخ وما شئت من الأسحلة الفتاكة التي تدخل مصر عبر حدودها مع ليبيا والسودان كل يوم؟

هل يحق قانونا التصرف في أموال شركات خاصة ومواطنين مصريين دون صدور أحكام قضائية ضدهم؟

لماذا لم يتم استخدام القانون الذي يستخدم اليوم لملاحقة عناصر الإخوان لوقف سموم القنوات الدينية المتطرفة التي كان "شيوخها" يدعون جهارا نهارا لإهدار دم شخصيات بعينها بالاسم والصورة ويحرضون المواطنين على قتل إخوتهم في الوطن لخلافات دينية أو مذهبية؟ ألا يندرج نشاط مثل هذا الإعلام التحريضي تحت بند "الإرهاب"؟ أم أن قانون الإرهاب مُفصل على مقاس الجماعة؟

هذه عينة من التساؤلات التي قد تجعلك عرضة للفتك بك على يد المواطنين الشرفاء أو السجن على أفضل تقدير. ولن يشفع لك وقتها أن تكون مثلي من أشد أعداء جماعة الإخوان المسلمين ومن رافضي فكر الإسلام السياسي كليا وجزئيا أو أن تُقسم بأغلظ الأيمان أنك لم تكن يوما من أعضاء أو مناصري أو مؤيدي أو حتى المتعاطفين مع فكر الجماعة . ولن يصدقك أحد إذا قلت مثلي أنك تدافع عن حق كل مواطن في معاملة عادلة حتى وإن كان مجرما أو أنك تتحدث ونيتك على الأقل حماية المجتمع من الانقسام السياسي الذي انزلق إليه والذي يهدد بحرب أهلية حقيقة وليست تلك التي كان يخيفنا بها نظام مبارك. ولن يشفع لك أن تقول إنك تخشى على مصير آلاف الأسر التي يعمل معيلوها في خارج مصر وقد يكون بعضهم من "المشتبه بهم" كأنصار أو كمتعاطفين مع الجماعة والذين اصبحوا مهددين بالطرد من تلك البلدان بعد بيان الدكتور حسام عيسى.

لم يعد ممكنا اليوم أن تتخذ الموقف الذي تريده فالإعلام المصري والقانون المصري وانضم إليهم أخيرا الشارع المصري لم يعد يسمح إلا بموقفين: أن تكون معي أو ضدي.

وحتى تهدأ حالة الجنون الجماعي التي اصابت الطرفين ندعو الله أن يُرنا الحق حقا ويرزقنا اتباعه ويُرنا الباطل باطلا ويرزقنا اجتنابه.