An appology to the crowds (written on 30 1 2011)

I feel ashamed for not joining the Egyptian crowds on the Anger Friday. I admit that I sometimes feel afraid to join such demonstrations on the fear of being beaten or worse being sexually harassed. I used to say that if I was affiliated to a certain group such that we go on a demonstration together, I wouldn’t hesitate especially because in this case I’d know the exact demands of the group and can deduce the progress of the events. BUT this time things were different, everyone was in the streets and the little fear I was having would have easily disappeared with the crowds but my parents didn’t allow me. I don’t want to put it all on the shoulders of my parents but I sometimes don’t go for certain actions, like staying out late as long as my parents aren’t aware of it or being very cautious whenever I’m in a foreign country, and unlike how I used to be or how I’ve always imagined myself to be, I don’t stay out late or go explore places alone, because I’m afraid that anything that happens to me will have a bad effect on my parents. I don’t know whether it is really because of my parents or what but I feel that the revolutionary part of me has died. I always give speeches to my friends on the importance to change, to be aware of what is going around us, and to see the truth. I always try to expand my circle of influence but this can’t be enough, in such times this can’t be enough. I’ve always wondered why does the people in Egypt don’t revolt and what they are waiting for but it seems that I forgot that I’m one of those people who should have revolt and should have been on the streets. My anger has never stopped, by humble trials for changes have never stopped but again this isn’t enough. I’m not trying to justify myself but perhaps I’m trying to apologize for not being there. I don’t want my children to be like this, I don’t want them to be afraid to talk or walk in a demonstration. I want them to take the responsibilities of their beliefs and to bear the consequences of their actions.

But you know what…things are much bigger than that. They are much bigger than an individual feeling of guilt.